


Ineffa-drabbles

by hapax (hapaxnym)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Bad Puns, Biblical Scripture References (Abrahamic Religions), Canon Compliant, Drabbles, Ficlets, Fluff, Gen, Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), My backbrain apparently thinks that Crowley is a ginormous dork, Nonsense, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Silly, possibly more tags than content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:23:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22306336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hapaxnym/pseuds/hapax
Summary: Just some silly little riffs that would probably work better in comic form, except I can't draw.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. Genesis (I)

**Author's Note:**

> All Scripture quotes from the King James Version (because it's the funniest) unless otherwise noted.
> 
> Will update as I feel like it - I've got sixty centuries of material to work through, after all.

_Out of the ground the_ _Lord_ _God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof._ (Gen. 2:19)

Adam [ _weary after a long day of naming, but relieved to have finally reached Australia_ ]… and you, you’re a hoppy long-eared thing, you’re a ‘Kangaroo.’

Kangaroo: Right-o.

Adam: And you, you with the armoured butt and cubical poop, I guess you’re a ‘Wombat.’

Wombat: You’re quite sure?

Adam [ _firmly_ ]: Wombat.

Wombat: Huh.

Adam: And you, you’re kind of crawly and slith-

Crawly: Yeah, no, sorry, wrong line, just looking for the loo – [ _looks back at dialogue tag_ ] oh, BUGGER.

*

_And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ_. (Gen. 4:21)

Crawly: _Snrk_.

Aziraphale [ _looks up from scroll_ ]: Oh, don’t be crass.

Crawly: Like _you_ weren’t thinking it.

Aziraphale: I have no idea what you are talking about. [ _Purses lips_ ] Besides, that vulgar pun is only possible in a language that won’t even be spoken for another four thousand years.

Crawly: _Ipse fuit pater canentium cithara et organo_.

Aziraphale: … All right, _two_ thousand.

Crawly: And that’s why they call it [ _puts on sunglasses_ ] the _Vulgate_.

Aziraphale [ _looking pointedly at the sunglasses_ ]: _And he made a sound with loud clanging cymbals_ …

Crawly: … just shut up, angel.


	2. Never Say 'Never'; also, Angels are from Heaven, Demons are from Velcro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley is ridiculous.
> 
> (still wish I could draw)

Crowley: [ _noodling about on the newly-invented iPhone_ ]: Hmm. ‘Evil Overlords List”. Prolly should check into that...

… “shooting is not too good for my enemies”, heh, very good …

… “talented fashion designer”, yeah …

… hmm. “Bumbling conjurers” may be dead embarrassing, but they have their place …

… HEY! “Never helps” INDEED!

***

[ _Crowley pushes Aziraphale up against a wall in Tadfield_ ]

[ _Crowley pushes Aziraphale up against a wall in the bookshop_ ]

[ _Crowley pushes Aziraphale up against a wall in his Mayfair flat_ ]

Crowley: I don’t understand. Why don’t you ever STICK?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are an infinity of variations, but Crowley is reading the classic Evil Overlord List (aka "The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord") found here: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html


	3. Tumbled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literal and metaphorical fluff

_It is six weeks, six days, and six hours from the Little-Armageddon-That-Couldn’t. Crowley walks into the bookshop to collect Aziraphale so they can celebrate_.

Crowley: Angel! Let’s –

Aziraphale [ _bustles through the shop door right behind him, a large laundry basket overflowing with tartan in his arms_ ]: Just a moment, dear boy, let me take these to the back –

Crowley: Oi! Are those _my_ blankets?

Aziraphale: They’re from the sofa, dearest. I’m only bringing them back from the laundry. 

Crowley: _Laundry_? Whatever for? If something gets spilled on them, just miracle them clean. You’ll _ruin_ them!

Aziraphale [ _smiling gently_ ]: Oh, heavens, no. Miracle-ing them just isn’t the _same_. I find that they have to be washed the _human_ way, every couple of months or so, or they become rather stale. But after a cycle or two in the drying machine, they feel so … _fresh._ Warm. Soft. Fluffy. [ _puts basket down, gathers up an armload and sniffs at it, squeezing the blankets close with a tiny delighted wriggle_ ] _Snuggly_.

Crowley [ _turns a shade of neon pink_ ]: _Gnaaahklft._ [ _a beat_ ] Anyways, angel, errands to run, pick you up in an hour or so, we’ll go out, all right yeah?

Aziraphale [ _still sniffing and cuddling the blankets_ ]: Of course. I shall look forward to it.

_Forty-eight minutes later, Crowley returns to the bookshop. His gait is, if anything, more serpentine than usual – if the snake in question were extremely drunk and had possibly disconnected a few vertebrae_. _He bumps into the doorframe on the way in, and careens off several bookshelves and a table or two as he pinballs his way into the back room._

Aziraphale: What in the _world_? Are you quite all right?

Crowley [ _finally collapsing on the sofa in relief_ ] ‘M sorry angel. Can’t go out now. _Dizzy_.

Aziraphale: Oh, you poor thing. We’ll … order something in. Anything you like.

_The angel tucks the recently-washed blankets around the demon, who is twitching in a vaguely floppy fashion._

Crowley: Mmmm. Warm. [pulls blankets in tighter] _Snuggly_.


End file.
